Thoughts

Life

I am not even sure what to write about but here I am! My life currently is being consumed with focusing on loosing weight and reading more into the spiritual world (and a lot of random tarot card readings). Currently, there really isn’t much going on…let me be honest.

I am learning to trust and let go of things that are beyond my control regarding life. I am learning to not be such a people pleaser (still needs a lot of work) and to become my own person versus how I feel people want or expect me to be. I am basically learning how to accept my life in the now but with the mindset of my future.

My biggest struggle probably for me is regarding not living my own life. In a way it probably looks like I just take actions with selfishness but in reality, there are few and far times in between that I made a choice because it was MY decision and not because I made a choice based on the fact that I didn’t want to upset or cause a disturbance within a relationship (family, friends, etc.). I am starting to realize life is too short to be a people pleaser – where does/has it gotten me??? I can answer that – walked all over and confused about who I am as a person!

So, I am trying to do a lot of internal processing to learn more about myself and the person I no longer want to be. It is sad really, I look at other families and parents do this to their children all the time where they want to live vicariously through their children, so they force their kids to do things that their child doesn’t even want to do. And instead of letting their child choose or encourage them with having different interest, they basically put out their child’s “light” in a sense because the child is basically forced into a certain way/activity. Not saying my parents did this, in fact they were pretty encouraging when it came to extracurricular activities when I was a kid, but I still felt this need to “please” them, as most kids do. But with my mindset of this, on top of bad decisions where I felt like all I was, was a disappointment to my family/friends…I got lost along the way.

To give an example, it took me 25 years to come out as gay. 25 years! Like what??? If I had just been honest and accepting of myself, I would have been out dating women a long time ago. But that is neither there or here because all choices are a chance to learn and grow from. Now at 33, I no longer want to live in a life that isn’t my “truth” but again, that is taking a lot of internal work on my end (and putting that work into practice). So, in short – external not much has changed but internally I am breaking through and I love it!

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